When did God think of adoption?

Xiushan Orphanage, China

Oh, I love me some John Piper. Listen to him explain adoption. Love his passion. Love his little encouragement at the end. I really needed this today, as it reminded me to keep praying and stay open to how I can encourage others in adoption. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the number of orphans, by all of the injustices and red tape that stand in the way of children having parents. I also need the reminder about my own adoption - and what a huge thing that is.

A couple of weeks ago I read along as several bloggers I read went to Africa with Compassion International. As they prepared to come home they were brought together to discuss what it was going to be like when they returned home to their comfortable suburban lives. They called it "re-entry" and said it could be a difficult time. One blogger mentioned having survivor's guilt at the stark contrast b/t her life and the lives she encountered in Uganda.

Something happened as I read their accounts. I realized that for the past year, since we came home from adopting Piper, I have been struggling through some sort of "survivor's guilt", for lack of a better word. I just have had such a difficult time thinking about the difference b/t Piper's life and the lives of the children that still reside at Xiushan Orphanage. Just writing that, the tears are rolling. I can't put into words how much I love Piper Grace. Just like any proud mama, I think she is one of God's most beautiful creations. But then I think about those other children, they are God's creations as well, and now that I can really see them, and feel a kinship with them...it's just hard to accept. They deserve to have a family that celebrates with them as they take their first step, or learn to say their own name. They deserve a mommy who will comfort them when they are sick and tell them they are the most wonderful baby in the world. Don't they?

Anyway, these thoughts feel very incomplete still. I don't really know what to do with these feelings, besides offer them up, and remember that God is in control, in the good and in the bad, that I know. My job is to pray, and stay close to Him and listen when He speaks.

"Be open to the possibilities - of God's promises to grow good things in hard places. Be open to the possiblilites that these circumstances hold more than what I see right now. Be open to the possiblilites of discovering new hope. Be open to the posiblilities...one day at a time." Carol Kuykendall (thank you to my mother in law for that quote, I love it...)

The best PMS fix around

Once you enter into this crazy, wonderful community of China adopters, something very special happens about once a month. BABIES! Referrals come out, and families are formed. I love looking at the pictures of the little ones who have no idea that a family is freaking out, in a wonderful way of course, on the other side of the world as they study every centimeter of their photos.

Now that we are on the other side of this process, I can somewhat picture what's about to happen in these families lives. They are about to embark in an out of this world adventure of love, travel, bonding, discovery...just life at it's fullest. It's just all so exciting! So if you'd like to see a few of these sweet faces, go here, and enjoy.

Dena

We've been a family of five for one year!!!

Piper, showing off her Gotcha Day outfit from last year.

Piper this morning, looking at a picture of one of her Xiushan buddies dressed in her Gotcha day outfit

The outfit fits her much better this year. It was HUGE on her last year.

Same outfit, last year...Me and Piper, w/all of our new friends in the background getting to know their little ones.
February 26, 2007-what a blessed day!

I can't believe it's been a year since that wonderful day when we first held Piper. She has changed so much, and it's neat to look back at these pictures of that day, now that we know her. What in the world what she thinking, I wonder!!! We were just in awe of her, and the entire process. It felt like a miracle.

Still does.

One year ago today...

January 3, 2007.

The details of that day are so vivid in my heart and mind.

We had prepared for that day for over 2 years. Thousands of prayers had been uttered, mountains of papers filled out, stamped, authenticated, certified, sprinkled with magic dust.

And here we were.

Scott was at work, Hunter and Ella at home, still on Christmas break. I was trying to keep busy, between my 5, 289 visits to the computer. We knew it was coming and the anticipation was almost unbearable. When I am waiting for something, I have a slightly insane aversion to anyone talking. That becomes a problem when you have an excited 6 year old and an excited 4 year old in the house. My mom called to see how I was doing and I think she quickly got the picture and offered to pick up Hunter and Ella and take them to a movie.

God bless that woman.

Once the house was quiet, though my stomach was turning flips by the minute, I felt much better, that I could now concentrate on just how crazy, excited, scared, and nervous I felt. Sometimes a girl just needs to concentrate on her crazy. Thankyouverymuch.

At about 11:00 a.m., we got an email saying our agency had received a package containing referrals! We knew our group was in there b/c the prior month we'd missed the cut-off by ONE DAY. At least we knew we were next. But then I started to worry our referral would somehow be missing from the pack. The clock ticking on the wall was making my head hurt as I waited for the phone to ring.

Scott was in a big meeting at work, so we were emailing all morning. I'm sure he was very productive that day.

Sometime around 1:00 p.m. THE PHONE RANG - oh my, this is it, I am about to give birth! And I've never been the home birthing type, in any way shape or form.

It was Erin, from our adoption agency, and she had something to tell me.

We were skipped, I knew it, just say it Erin, just say it.

"You have a beautiful baby girl! She's 8.5 months old and is residing at Xiushan (pronounced Shu-shan) Social Welfare Institution."

me: "We got a referral???" Duh.

E: "Yes! And she's got chubby cheeks and not much hair, do you want to hear more about her."

me: "Yes!!!! Double yes!!!"

E: "Her name is Xiu Fu Zhu, she was born on 4-18-06 and..."

Upon hearing her birthday, I LOST IT. Completely and totally lost it, as in the ugly cry kind of way. Don't know why it was her birthday that did it for me, but it did. In that moment Piper Grace became a real live person to me, my baby, and I hadn't even seen her picture at this point. She had a birthday. She'd been born in April. I love April.

The rest of the story can be read here. Start at the bottom of the page and work your way up. I read these posts this morning and relived every sweet moment, so thankful. So very, very thankful. I can't imagine living my life not having experienced this. Piper was so worth every minute of difficulty it took to get to her.

The Lord is faithful. Very little of the adoption process played out as we expected. But His ways are truly higher and better and more rich in every way than ours.

Happy 1 year referral day anniversary!

Home

People ask me in different ways, some direct, some not so direct, how the bonding is going with Piper. I understand the question, I used to wonder with others I knew who had adopted. I wondered what they felt like toward their child, did they have to work at loving them "the same" as their bio kids.

All I know is our experience, and I do know it's different with different people.

There are no words, but that won't stop me! There are no words to describe how we feel towards Piper, and what her life has meant to our family. She simply stole our hearts on February 26, 2007, found a comfy spot, and settled in to stay. I cannot imagine not having her for my daughter (tears are dropping by the dozen now).

Each day, I just enjoy her so much. With her, every little milestone is so sweet. The first time she kissed us, the first time she hugged us, really hugged us, her calling our names, her happiness at seeing us, her joining in a game a chase or hide and seek, her discovering the backyard, and on it goes.

I can confidently say that she loves us. We are her family. She knows that, and me knowing that she knows that, gives me unspeakable joy.

When we pull in the garage after being gone somewhere, I say to Piper, "We're home!". Today, Hunter and Ella were at school and Piper and I had just a great day together. We pulled in the garage, and out of the back seat I hear her sweet little voice, "home".

Moments like that do me in. The sweetness just overtakes me. Knowing that she has a home, and we get to be her family, that I get to be her mommy - it is one of the greatest pleasures I've ever known.

So, to answer that question about bonding and attachment, it is going great, I can't imagine it being any better really. She is ours. We are hers. Both Scott and I are totally, completely in love with our little Piper Grace, and there is an added element of gratefulness that we get to be her parents, and gratefulness that God chose us to bless in such a sweet way.

We worried that Hunter and Ella would be jealous of the attention Piper would get. We worried about a lot of things that just haven't come to be. I do wonder if God knew what we would go through with my dad this summer and just chose to just take care of all that for us. Hunter and Ella love Piper more than I could have ever imagined. They do sometimes fight over her, who gets to do things for her, whose name she called first, etc.., but she is 100% their sister. One of the biggest surprises along the way is seeing the joy they experience in having Piper. I didn't anticipate how this experience would change them, and in only a positive way.

No matter how long Scott is gone on business, Piper talks about him everyday (dada, dada), and is always so excited when he comes home. Everyday that Scott was gone, I could tell he really missed her and wanted to know every detail about what she was up to.

Our family would be so different without Piper. I don't like thinking of that option. She makes us so much better than we were before - each one of us.

Someday I'll try to put into words how Piper has enlarged our family's view of the world and our place in it. Hunter especially has been greatly impacted. He's always trying to figure out what he's going to be when he grows up. Because of Piper, Hunter now wants to be a missionary/adventure guide in either Africa or China. I see God working in him as he sorts through Piper's experience. It's so interesting to hear Hunter and Ella talk about adopting someday, and hear them refer to China in their everyday conversations and imaginary adventures.

Piper is a living, walking, climbing, talking means of God's grace to us. Sometimes someone will say something about what a great thing we did in adopting Piper. I want to say, "NO, no, you don't understand, it's not like that, it's God that's done a great thing in letting us be her family and leading us to this life changing experience."

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, good times and bad... our hearts are forever joined. Piper is home, and we are family.

Transracial Adoption

Newsflash: Piper is Chinese. We are not.

We gave considerable thought to this fact before we adopted her. We read a lot about what others had to say about transracial adoption. We prayed. We read the bible and found themes that we had missed before about unity and showing love and kindness to 'aliens' and 'foreigners'. At one point it occurred to me, 'wow, I am really glad that God is in favor of transracial adoption, for if He were not, I would not have been adopted into His family.' His family is Jewish. I am not. For the first time, I found myself in the verses about 'aliens' and 'foreigners'.

Here's a sampling:

Exodus 22:21-24 "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him, for you were aliens in Egypt. Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless." (Whoa)

Deut. 10:17-19 "For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt."

Deut. 14:28-29 "At the end of every three years, bring all the tithes of that year's produce and store it in your towns, so that the Levites and the aliens, the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands." (There are lots and lots of verses that say basically this same thing- see Deut. chapters 24 - 26)

Psalm 146:9 "The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow"

Ephesians 1:5-6 "he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."

Ephesians 2:19 "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household..."

Romans 9 Paul is agonizing over the people of Israel, "those of my own race" v.4, how they are God's people, the human ancestry of Christ, and how many have not accepted Him. He goes on to say in verse 8 "In other words, it is not the natural children who are God's children, but it is the children of the promise who are regarded as Abraham's offspring."
(Check the context - I can't write out all of it here)

All this to say a wonderful pastor, by the name of Thabiti Anyabwileo, has a short interview on transracial adoption that succinctly states the same conclusions we came to on the matter. The approach he talks about, here, will be same one we will pursue with Piper on matters of race, identity, and adoption. I ask anyone who is a part of Piper's life to please (pretty please) take a few more minutes and read what he has to say. Thank you in advance!

Even for those not touched by adoption, he gives some insightful words on parenting that apply to all of us.

Click here...

This time last year....

Today 16 months old
8/31/2006 4 months

This morning one of the moms from our travel group (10 families in all) posted to our yahoo group that it was on this day last year that our babies' referral pictures were taken. We didn't see those photos until January 3, 2007 but they were taken on August 31, 2006 in preparation for them being matched with a family.

I thought it would be interesting to take Piper's picture today and put it side by side with her picture from one year ago. Looking at these photos brings up so many emotions and thoughts. I look at her a year ago and just want to take that little baby and hold her and love on her. We have only 4 pictures of her from her first 10 months of life, 4 pictures. Before we adopted her, I couldn't have imagined how much I would want more clues as to her life before us. I would love to have more pictures, some piece of clothing, something.

It's interesting to think back to this time last year. We had just gotten Hunter settled into Kindergarten and Ella in a new preschool. On the other side of the world, Our Piper Grace, Xiu Fu Zhu, was getting her picture taken, the first glimpse we would get of her. I think back to all of the prayers we prayed for her, not knowing what a wonderful little blessing God had in store for us.

What a day!

2 years ago on this date, we had finally completed all of our paperwork to send to China. Our "paper chase", as it is called, had many ups and downs and twists and turns, and we were sooooo relieved that we'd finally had every paper reviewed, stamped, notarized, certified and authenticated. Our paper chase lasted about 8 months or so, just about twice as long as we'd anticipated. When our dossier (mountain of papers) left for China on August 26, 2005 the wait time to receive a referral was a steady, predictable 6 months. We started planning for our March 2006 referral, thinking we'd travel at the beginning of May 2006.

As the months unfolded, it became increasingly evident China had different plans for the process, which they began implementing about the time we sent in our dossier. Of course, they don't actually communicate these plans with anyone. It's like a mystery in which you a get a small piece of the puzzle each month when referrals come in.

March 2006 came and went, and we were still very far back in the line of parents waiting for their referral (pictures and info. on the baby you've been matched with). I've written before about some of the emotions and struggles the wait held for us, so I won't go into it all here, but just say it was very difficult at times. By December of 2006 some of our paperwork began to expire and we had to make the choice to redo it to stay in the process. OK, tears now rolling, thinking we could have made a different choice.

We did redo our paperwork, and on January 3, 2007 we saw Piper Grace's picture for the first time. And on February 26, 2007 we held her for the first time - exactly 6 months ago. I really can't believe it's only been 6 months. I feel like I have always known her and loved her. I truly believe that during all those months of waiting, God was growing her not below my heart, but in it, as the poem says.

Happy 6 months home, sweet girl, and also to your 9 buddies from Xiushan who have traveled the same road home as you!

In another family milestone, Scott turned 40 yesterday! He played golf in the morning and we had a family party for him last night. 40, wow, honey you just get better every year - can't wait to see what you're like at 80! I kind of like being married to a 40 year old, makes me feel so grown up, and yet WAY younger than he is, you know, 3 years is A LOT younger.

And tomorrow - Hunter's first day of school - 1st grade! It is milestone crazy over here. We met his teacher, let's call her Mrs. Smith, on Friday. I so love her already!

God is good, my friends.

To Piper Grace:

I read this poem on the Duckworth's site earlier, posted by a woman who was adopted and whose mom had printed it in her baby book. I could have written this myself (had I had the talent, of course).


Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously

My own.

Never forget

For a single minute:

You didn't grow under my heart

But in it.



(anonymous)

Just because I need to remind myself...

I love this quote so much that I copied and pasted it from a previous blog entry:

I remember hearing Tim Keller quote Tolkien, saying something like - "God will someday make everything sad come untrue, but somehow the suffering will make our eternal glory and joy even greater for having been through it." Keller went on to say that somehow, through the cross, we can see that God will enhance our joy, through our suffering. It will be more glorious for having once been wrong and bad.

In different areas of my life I can really see this to be true, at least in part. I often think about how devastated the disciples must have been after Jesus was killed, before His resurrection. They had put their lives on the line, given up everything, and then - gone, He was gone, He did not save Himself. It's hard to imagine how horrible that must have been for them. When I start to get overwhelmed, I remind myself that I am only seeing a small part of the picture He's painting.

I've mentioned this before, but we had two difficult miscarriages when we were trying to start a family. One of them left me in the hospital for emergency surgery and without a fallopian tube. I can still taste the sadness and disappointment that ensued. Of course, God has not made that become untrue, *yet*, but He has blessed me with the sweetest joy in my kids. Part of what caused us to consider adoption is how difficult it was for me to get and stay pregnant. Adopting Piper has been the most surprising, wonderful blessing I've ever had. And even within Piper's adoption itself, something about knowing the difficulty of how her life started makes her smile and joy just so very sweet to me. I am in awe of her everyday, and the work I see God doing in her. I think of last night and how I attempted to read Hunter and Ella a book before bed. Piper kept diving on top of us, while giggling and snorting with delight. That's how she tackles life, just dives in and has a ball! What if we would have missed her and not known the joy of being her parents? I cannot even go there...
I remember being in China and telling God, okay, I get it...I trust you. Looking at Piper, and seeing for my own eyes how the Lord had weaved together all these strands of pain, hardship, waiting, disappointment, to create such a beautiful life, I resolved to trust Him more and fret less.

I got a letter from whom???

Piper's U.S. Citizenship Certificate arrived in the mail today! Along with it came a large white envelope that read:
A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

Inside was a letter signed by George W. Bush. We read the kids the letter at dinner time and the above picture was taken when we showed Piper her Cerificate of Citizenship. I think she liked getting a letter from the President and it made her really popular with her brother and sister. Hunter kept asking, "How did he know that we adopted Piper?". The letter is actually quite touching and had me feeling really patriotic. I'll post it when I'm not having to hold my eyelids open with one hand while I type with the other.

Dear Piper Grace,

I wish you somehow knew how much we are thinking about you and praying for you. Our hearts are heavy, knowing you are so far away. I pray that God would prepare you for your crazy parents who are dying to love on you and hold you and count your toes, and play peek-a-boo with you. We know you may not be as excited to us as we are to see you, but in time, I think you will learn that, although a bit quirky, we will take care of you, love you, and walk with you through this life, whatever comes your way. As each day passes, it is a day that we are closer to you, and that is good thing, b/c right now we are feeling like our hearts just might burst! I wonder about you all day long, praying that you are warm, happy, well fed, healthy, and loved on. We can't wait to be the ones making sure you have everything you need.
See you in 19 days!!! (tears flowing, now)

Some babies come by plane & Some people LIKE paperwork

I have learned so many valuable lessons during this 2.5 year adoption process, but one of the most astonishing came to me in a major "Ah Ha" moment last week. It was one of those moments where something that has been hazily lurking beneath the surface of your life, is suddenly illuminated and crystal clear. Here it is: I abhor, hate, can not stand in any way shape or form, doing paperwork. Up until last week, I thought everyone felt this way, of course, who, in their right minds, would enjoy paperwork? Well, I now know that these people exist and they are actually people that I like - funny, kind, interesting people. Who knew? I am still in shock over this. This revelation began when someone I really respect casually mentioned, "I've really enjoyed doing the paperwork for our adoption." WHAT??? Time stood still as I pondered what I had just heard. I immediately felt the shame of being a terrible adoptive parent who complained about every stinking paper we had to fill out, stamp, sign, notarize, wave above our heads 3x while hopping on one foot in front of a social worker. But something about this person and the way she said it, made me believe her - she really enjoyed the paperwork. She must be a complete freak I thought, but shortly thereafter I came across, we'll call her Susan. Susan is a mom in the process of adopting from China, just like I am. She has two biological kids, just like me. She has a website, just like me. The 1st time I read through her website, I thought, wow - we have a lot in common, until I got to her description of herself. She says that she loves paperwork and "the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and Scotch Tape". I laughed, thinking she was being sarcastic, but then I started seeing her posts on the yahoo group we belong to for China adoption. Someone had posted a long, tedious, ultra-boring post about all of the paperwork we will have to do in China. I immediately forwarded it to Scott. She replied with great glee how exciting that was b/c that gave her something to look forward to. And then she said it again, "I just love paperwork!". Those words jumped off my computer screen. It hit me - people really exist who like paperwork. It made realize how much I can't stand it! I don't know why this is so astonishing to me, but it is. It feels very freeing to just realize it and admit how much I hate filling out forms and reading about filling out forms. I was a teacher. I hated grading papers and filling out report cards. There, I said it. But for me, adoption paperwork trumps every other kind as being the absolute worst offender of all paperwork. The paperwork that goes into filling out the paperwork is what gets me. EX:
"This section contains instructions for filling out form 189-TOR-6581-TURE-5961-H."

The form itself is one page. The instructions - 3.5 pages of tiny type of if/then statements.
I just know they are trying to trick me, and I will not be fooled. No way, no how, no mam. So I read each if/then statement 5x before placing any mark on form 189-TOR-6581-TURE-591-H.
It's me against the form instructions.
Ex: Box 53: If your mother's, neighbor's 1st cousin's, coach's wife's, sister's maid ever cleaned your toilet, then mark "yes" in box 53.
Add to that, the forms we are now filling out have Chinese characters next to all of the English words. For some reason, this has thrown me for a loop.
Some babies come by plane and some people really do love paperwork - who knew???
Dena

Family of 5

I'm trying to really soak up every moment of this journey to PG. I was telling my friend Linda the other day that it is the smallest, seemingly insignificant moments that seem to fly around a corner and take me surprise. After we had gotten the good report from the doctor, I had to go to Fed Ex to send in our official acceptance letter. It was one of the many things on my "to do" list that day, something to be checked off so I could get on with the other tasks of the day. But as I pulled into the Fed Ex parking lot, a wave of emotion hit me out of nowhere. I sat in my car and just boo-hooed as I looked at the acceptance letter written in Chinese with the English words underneath, with both of our signatures at the bottom. I walked into Fed Ex, wondering if anyone could tell that I had just given birth in the parking lot. The man at the counter assured me he would take extra good care of my letter.
I read this quote from Beth Moore this morning and it so clearly articulated so many moments on this road to Piper Grace:
"Like all families, we will have sorrows and losses amid daily doses of dishes and dog hair. But when a near-perfect moment comes, I hope we always choose to take it. To stop long enough to feel it."
Please pray for Piper today!

Temporary Insanity

I'm an idiot. We are in desperate need of the USCIS to process our paperwork quickly, heck we are in desperate need of them to allow Scott to get his fingerprints taken, and I have publicly offended them in a most despicable way. Our only hope is that the dear people at the USCIS have no access to a computer and have better things to do with their time than read adoption blogs. Enough said.
I plead temporary insanity caused by extreme conditions, which I will not go into here. (read the next post if you really have to know)
So, to the USCIS, please forgive me, accept my sincere apology, and while you're at it, accept my husband's fingerprints. Did I mention that he has already been fingerprinted this year in relation to security clearance for his job, and those fingerprints go to the FBI, just like these fingerprints go to the FBI. Apparently the FBI has not learned how to share.
Great, now I'm offending the FBI. I better stop now.

Are you ready for a rumor?
2 agencies are saying we may see referrals BEFORE Christmas! Here we go!!!

Dena

"The Secret of Our Success" from the USCIS handbook

So, last week was spent gathering our paperwork, AGAIN, so we would appear to be the perfectly perfect, organized, caring adults that are just perfect to adopt a baby for our social worker, who spent Saturday afternoon at our house updating our homestudy. All went well I suppose as we were deemed "acceptable" (teachers, don't read too much into that, in social worker terms that translates to Exemplary!).
We had to do all of this as a part of what our government is requiring us to do all over AGAIN, which is pay them a bunch of money to get a form called the I171-H, which is our ticket to bring our baby home. Our first perfectly good I171-H will expire in February before our adoption will most likely take place. So as a part of getting this form, we had to go to the armpit of Dallas to get REfingerprinted, because as I'm sure everyone knows, fingerprints expire. If only I would have had my camera. I wish each of you could get a true sense of this 50' x 14' holding cell our government affectionately refers to as the USCIS - US Citizenship and Immigration Services. Believe me when I say they take the services part of that very lightly.

Picture row after row of brown faces packed in like sardines, and then there was us. I think I blended in beautifully, while Scott stuck out like a Baptist grandma at a Def Leppard concert.
By the third hour of watching all of the 'hustle and bustle' - not - we were getting loopy. I had the ultimate inappropriate laughing episode as I sat cramed between all of these eerily quiet strangers. Yes, tears streaming down my face, mascara down to my chin, couldn't speak, mouth foaming, laughing episode. The last time I recall this happening was during a staff meeting at Big Springs. I'm sure it has some psychological origin that I don't want to know about, but there it was. It all began as Scott and I imagined what must be the USCIS handbook for employees. Based on what we witnessed, here it is:

Secrets of Success at the USCIS

1. Minimum requirement for employment - must have worked at the Hobby Lobby return desk for at least 10 years with no less than a 99.5% dissatisfaction rate among customers.
2. The "security guard" at the front door must NOT, under any circumstances reveal their gender. This will give the patrons something they have to try and figure out on their own, and should occupy them for a good 3 out of the 4 hours they will sit in "the chairs", aka Holding Tank #1.
3. Holding Tank #1 must remain at 59.5 degrees F. at all times. Comfortable patrons make for demanding patrons.
4. Absolutely NO Cell phones allowed on the premises. USCIS will employ a full time employee whose sole purpose is to confiscate all cell phones whether on or off. Cell phones are a symbol of modern convenience and may remind the patron that it is not 1905. The patron may demand a higher quality of service which cannot be tolerated.
5. When choosing a paint color for your USCIS building, make sure it coordinates well with bullet holes, urine splatter, and the contents of the patron's noses.
6. Upon entering the USCIS building, each patron will receive a square of toilet paper in case of an emergency. An emergency is defined as having to use the only 'bathroom'. The word 'bathroom' should be translated very loosely. Patrons with a poor attitude should receive the squares which are slightly moistened, or gently used.
7. Absolutely no fraternizing with the patrons as they are moved from Holding Tank #1 to Holding Tank #2. The patrons may burst into a spontaneous smile as you call #402, for example, as they may have been waiting for hours to hear their number. Any sign that you are a human, and are the least bit happy for them will result in an immediate suspension of the employee's right to watch Judge Judy as they 'work'.
8. As patrons scoot from chair to chair in Holding Tanks #2, #3, and #4, make every effort as not to appear to be rushing them through. Patrons like to think you are t a k i n g y o u r o w n
s w e e t t i m e.
9. Incontinent patrons are to be treated with kindness and respect. It may embarrass them if you remove the upholstered chair they were sitting in when their episode occured.


So there it is. If any of you run your own business or are in management positions, feel free to use any of the above to improve your company's bottom line and reputation for customer service.
And here's the kicker, Scott sliced his thumb print with a knife doing Christmas lights (shocking, I know) and they would not even allow him to have his fingerprints taken. He has to go back next Wednesday!
Oh the joy!
Dena