Courage to Change

I've been struggling lately. On the outside you'd never know it. When I really need to figure something out, I work on a project, usually something that involves painting or redecorating. So from the outside, you'd someone "happily" working on a project, being productive and creative. Something about that process of making something, allows me to really work through issues of the heart. It's something I've just discovered about myself in the last 8 years or so.

I can distinctly remember the first time I had the conscious thought that doing some sort of work with my hands would help me emotionally. It was after my first miscarriage and I was undone. Emotionally, in the lowest place I knew. After the initial shock wore off, all I could think about was painting my laundry room. I remember thinking how weird that was to me, and that it must be a form of denial. But the urge got so strong, that I finally went a bought a can of green paint and went to work. I can remember being in that tiny 6'x6' room-painting and crying, painting and crying. It became a part of my healing, and though we've since moved, I can see that color of bright apple green like it is right in front of me now. It is burned into my mind as a part of that whole experience. And so my love affair with paint and doing and creating began.

I could fill up a book with the details of all of my projects and what was going on inside while I was doing them. Some of them were just for fun, but many of them have a real meaning attached for me.

Soon, I hope, I will be able to put in words the swirling thoughts and feelings I am sifting through right now as I redecorate my dining room (for under $200, mind you). I think a lot of what's going on with me right now has to do with integrating all that I've experienced in the last 9 months, and realizing how it has all changed me. I think I've been trying to make life get back to normal. But I am realizing I need a new normal.

Going to China changed me. Adopting Piper changed me. Enlarging my view of God and His world and plan has changed me. Learning that my dad has cancer has changed me. Watching him suffer this summer has changed me.

For a person who values sameness and stability, that is a lot of change...change I think I am ready to embrace. Got to go paint some frames while Piper is still sleeping...

D