You must

go here and listen to today's broadcast of Focus on the Family with Steven Curtis Chapman. You just must. Beautiful.

Maria's adoption story. So get it.

"SEE". I will never forget this. Sometimes all I can say to God is "See, do you SEE this, Lord?". He does.

Larry King last night

I'm still thinking about the Larry King interview last night with Steven Curtis Chapman and family. SCC wrote a new article for CNN.com here. The message he relays here is close to my heart and wish we, as the church, would truly take it to heart, myself included.

Larry recorded some thoughts on the interview here. Interesting.

At times it was hard to watch, raw and painful. At other times I couldn't believe how much of God's word and character were being displayed on CNN in prime time. I loved the end where they played the recently written last verse to the song "Yours", while showing pictures of Maria.

"I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are yours, God, yours, God..."

Anyone else see it?

Brevity is not my gift

We went to Friday night's concert tired, weary, tired, and weary. Did I mention we were weary? We came home from Friday night's concert revived, moved, changed.

Scott's been working extra long hours for 3 weeks now. For the last 3 nights, Piper has woken up crying and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Lots of holding, rocking, singing...in the middle of the night.

Our first Steven Curtis Chapman concert, "Speechless", was way back when we were first married, 11 years ago or so. I remember him talking about their 3 kids saying "We have eeney, meeney, miney, and we are going to have no MO!" HA! We didn't have kids yet, and I remember thinking that was funny. We had someone sing "I Will Be Here" as a part of our wedding ceremony - love that song. He sang it that night as well.

Our next concert was in the beginning of 2006, about a year into our adoption process. Our paperwork was in China, but the wait was just beginning to grow, as well as the uncertainty surrounding what was happening with China adoptions. I went to that concert weary. Came home inspired and encouraged. My personal BIG moment at that concert was SCC and Mark Hall singing "Believe Me Now" together. It was a moment I'll never forget. It felt like God took me by the shoulders, shook me gently, but firmly, and reminded me that He was the one who had led us to adoption, and He was working, even when nothing was going according to my time schedule or plan. I had no idea at the time, but on the other side of the world, a woman was about 7 months along with our future daughter.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16

So, Friday night was our first SCC concert since going to China and adopting Piper. It was only his 5th concert since the death of his adopted daughter, Maria, and his first since that time without his band, just him.

He walked out on stage as the audience took in the site of him, first time to actually see him since tragedy entered his family. It was good to see him putting one foot in front of the other, doing what he does so well. The sound of his voice is ripe with brokenness, wisdom, reverence. He sat down behind a keyboard and said, "I don't actually play the keyboard, but just wanted something to hide behind for a little while." He said it was going to be different for him, first time without the band since May 21st. He said the song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" was the only real thing that he held onto on the night of May 21st, and it has been his comfort since then. He said he doesn't think he'll ever be able to play a concert without doing at least part of it, and he began playing and singing it. There are many lines to that song that cut deeply given his circumstance, but the end "He gives and takes away....He gives and takes away...My heart will choose to say....Blessed be the name of the Lord...". And I will say, the tone of those words seem to mark SCC now. Surrender, complete brokenness, trust, reverence.

He talked, a lot, maybe even more than he sang. We loved it. Several times he apologized for rambling. I loved how he didn't seem to have a real plan for what he was going to say, just following his heart.

The second song was one he decided to do last minute after seeing the promotional posters they had up in the church "Changing lives one heartbeat at a time". The 7th song on his latest CD, This Moment, is "One heartbeat at a time", a song he wrote for his wife, Mary Beth. Every mom needs to go listen to song! I had listened to it many times before Friday night, but it has taken on a whole new meaning for me after hearing SCC tell about it. Wow, I started crying and couldn't stop, so glad it was dark in there. Like I said before, I'd come to this concert weary, tired, wondering if anything I do really matters all that much. As anyone who reads this blog knows, since going to China and falling head over heels in love with Piper, I carry with me the weight of feeling like I should be doing more, and vacillate between barely being able to sufficiently care for 3 kids and wanting to adopt the rest of the worlds orphans. So that was the place I was in as I sat and soaked in his story behind the words of his next song.

Years ago, when Shoahannah was little, he'd called home after concert to an overwhelmed Mary Beth. Shoahannah had been having trouble sleeping, common for these kiddos who have experienced so much in their short lives. Mary Beth was frustrated at her inability to get "anything done" and was worn out from so many nights of being up with Shoahannah. SCC was speaking straight to me - I just know it! I so connected with Mary Beth's feelings, but suddenly I could see just what SCC was getting to - this thought that she wasn't actually "doing anything" worthwhile, barely just making it day to day. Lately, I've started to get frustrated that right now I can't even attend bible study because Piper is having so much trouble separating from me at church. We are sticking to Sundays only, trying to give her consistency in a measured way. My time at church is spent praying she'll make it through the whole service, praying she's doing ok, etc.. The thought of "serving" in any way is out of the question right now, and I think I'm starting to feel like a Christian loafer or something, like I'm not pulling my weight. Like I should be doing more.

SCC said he felt so much compassion for the place she was in, and then jokingly said he wanted to slap this crazy notion out of her head. But being the songwriter kind of guy he is, he sat down and wrote her a song at 1 a.m. instead. He said, "there she was, mothering this sweet child, who not long ago lived in an orphanage with no mother."

He then paraphrased Mark 9:36-37 "He (Jesus) took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

"That word ONE recently jumped off the page at me. Think about what that means. We don't have to save the whole world to welcome Jesus himself, and live in that place. Just one." he said. Something clicked in me with those words. The burden I had carried was lifted off of my shoulders in that very moment, and instantly I felt the significance of those middle of the night sessions with Piper. Gratefulness flooded me as I realized what a wonderful privilege I've been given. I've known this at other times, but like Mary Beth, temporarily lost site of it. Perspective. Scott, knowing the place I was in, looked at me and said, "that's you, one heartbeat at a time". I cried through the entire song. Months of burdens that had piled up without me even realizing it flowed out in those tears.

I also cried everytime he talked about caring for the fatherless, orphans. No words to describe the meaning those words carry when your own child was once labeled an orphan.

It's an amazing experience to be so ministered to by one who is in such extreme grief. There's really no way for me to adequately express it. We got the sense him being there and sharing his heart was healing for him, but at the same time for us too.

He asked for prayers for Mary Beth and said he loves her so much and is amazed by the strength she has shown in the last two months. He then sang, "I Will Be Here". He said himself how the words of his songs take on a whole new meaning now. That song sure does. He said he's gone through all of his lyrics and asked himself if he can still sing those words. He thought he'd never sing "Cinderella" again, but has since realized it's message is more important than ever.

He started talking about Maria and ended up sharing her adoption story. They had already adopted Shoahannah and recently Stevie Joy, when he was in Beijing singing at a worship service. He walked out into a parking lot and was stopped by an American family with 2 Chinese babies. They explained that they were missionaries and their teenage kids would love to meet him. SCC said he was missing his babies terribly and asked who the babies were and could he hold one of them. The family was fostering them and was in the process of adopting one of them and was looking for a family for the other one. He asked the name of the one he was holding and they said "Maria" - an unusual name for a Chinese girl. SCC said that immediately and loudly, the words to a song he'd written 12 years earlier flooded his mind. He'd written it about a friend of his daughter Emily who'd come from a troubled family. The name of the song was, "Who's going to love Maria?" He said with all of the work they do in orphanages in China, he'd never felt so strongly pulled to an orphan in this way, like he was supposed to do something. He called Mary Beth who said he was crazy, so he figured he'd have to help her in some other way than making her his own. He said he got home a week later and Mary Beth had the filled-out adoption paperwork on their kitchen counter, waiting for his signature. Maria became Maria Sue Chapman.

He told about how she had asked to pray to accept Jesus into her heart, completely out of the blue, just weeks before her death because she wanted to go to "God's house, where there are many, many rooms!".

He seemed to think maybe he was talking too much and said, "I guess I just needed to talk about Maria tonight." Tears (mine).

He talked about the level of suffering they are in. He says looking back on the place he was when he wrote some of his songs, it was like they were in a foot of water saying, "wow, we are in really deep.". Now it's as if they are in the bottom of the ocean, saying "okay, this is really deep!". Everything he knew before is still as true as ever, just with a whole new view of eternity and the fellowship of the suffering. He kept back tracking, wanting to make sure we understood he didn't think he was experiencing some special kind of suffering or that it was about him. He kept steering everything back to God, His provision, His sovereignty, His plan.

He also asked for prayer as his family shares their suffering and their hope with Robin Roberts of Good Morning America on Monday. The show will air sometime the first week of August, but she is coming to their house tomorrow to interview the entire family. Their hope is to glorify God.

So that's my little recap. Hunter and Ella are spending the night at our friends house tonight! Ella has asked me 584 times today if it is 6:00 yet. I think we are all a bit excited!

The Year - Part 1

A year. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, 4th of July. But for our family, this year also included much, much more than the everyday life that goes along with the changing of the seasons.

I am just now feeling like I can write about the events of this last year. The 4th of July is especially significant to us this year, and I really wanted to write about it, but a little recap is necessary.

A general timeline:

1/3/07 - We receive our long awaited referral from China for our daughter, Xiu Fu Zhu(8.5 months old)

2/26/07 - Scott and I travel to China and meet Piper Grace for the 1st time, same day, adoption is complete!

3/8/07 - The 3 of us return home, and introduce Piper to Hunter, Ella, and my parents

3/10 - 4/26 - We struggle to get our bearings while Piper endures jet lag, Giardia (which leads to dehydration), ear infections, 2 strains of the flu, an allergic reaction to an insect bite on her eyelid, and allergic response to an antibiotic shot, and gets the measles from her MMR shot!

4/27/07 - And then, the unexpected. My parents tell us that my dad(66 at the time) has had a CAT scan and they are fairly certain he has lung cancer. This hits me really hard. I was already emotionally, physically spent from the prior month. I love my dad. My kids love their Papa. I'm glad I didn't know the worst of it was yet to come.

5/07 My brother and I attend several doctors visits with my mom and dad to find out if my dad is a candidate for surgery, his only real medical hope for a cure. After many tests, the surgeon gives us some hope he will be able to remove the tumor. He cautions us that the tumor is near the main artery in the lung and it will not be easy. All I hear is that my dad is candidate for surgery.

5/21/07 Surgery Day-I felt a lot of stress/guilt for any time spent away from Piper during this important bonding time, so Piper came with me to the hospital for the first half of the day. She was a sweet distraction while we waited and waited and waited some more for my dad's surgeon to arrive from an emergency he'd had to go to at another hospital.

We spent the morning in a little curtained off surgery prep. area just talking, laughing, and waiting. My dad had several visitors which kept us somewhat distracted, but as the hours went by, my dad began to get more apprehensive about having surgery so late in the day. Would the surgeon be tired after such a grueling day? This was my dad's only shot, he wanted it to count. He asked us several times if we thought he should cancel the surgery and do it another day. He decided to talk to the surgeon when he came and voice his concerns.

The surgeon finally arrived and told my dad it was his decision, but that he did this everyday, and felt completely confident in preforming surgery that afternoon. This would be the first of many times I felt helpless to provide relief to my dad. He really struggled with whether to go ahead that day, but finally said, "Let's do it.".

I hugged my dad and told him I loved him. Once he'd gone into surgery, I decided to run Piper home, so she could get to bed on time that night, and so I could be fully with my mom as we heard from the surgeon. For every minute of my 30 minute drive home, I prayed. I was afraid to believe that the tumor could be removed, but as I drove, my prayers shifted and I began to believe that it was possible. I prayed all the way back to the hospital, then found my way back to the waiting room where my mom, brother, and a few friends were waiting. It was now about 6 p.m. or so, and my parent's very good friend Wanda arrived. 3 years earlier, at this exact time of year, the situation was reversed and it was Wanda who sat and waited to hear how her husband, Jack (my dad's best friend), had made it through the same exact surgery. Jack's tumor had been successfully removed, but 6 short months later a complication unexpectedly took his life.

Wanda suggested one of us have some paper ready to take notes when the surgeon came out, she volunteered to do it for us. As the minutes ticked by, the anxiety in the room increased as we waited. We all considered it a good sign that the surgery was taking as long or longer than the surgeon had told us. He must be at least doing something. If he'd gotten in there and it was inoperable, he would have sewn him back up and it would already be done by now. By this point, I had convinced myself that an all out healing was a real possiblity.

My mind is fuzzy on how long my dad was in surgery, but I think it was around 4 hours. Sometime around 7 p.m., the surgeon walked into the waiting room and took took a seat. I desperately tried to read his face as he took off his surgical hat and crumpled it up in his hands.

Somehow, I was not prepared for what he had to say.

To be continued...

"I have everything I need"

Hunter decided he wanted to memorize Psalm 23. His ability to memorize large volumes of information is nothing short of miraculous considering he has 50% of my genes, seriously. I sometimes draw a blank on my own phone number - home phone number, scary.
But I digress, back to Psalm 23. His version of the bible starts it like this: "The Lord is my Shepard, I have everything I need." That little phrase has been running around in my mind for the last few days. What if I really lived that and believed that?

I have everything I need...to handle whatever the Lord allows in my life. What if I believed way down deep that He will supply all of my needs, even when I feel completely overwhelmed? Or I find myself worrying about a "what if...".

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written: For your sake, we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39

Working on being 100% convinced that I have everything I need for whatever comes my way.

"I believe, help my unblief!" Mark 9:24 - love that verse.

Amy Grant

My friend Linda passed along this book to me and I am so loving it! I am really surprised by Amy Grant's ability to say so much in so few words. She truly has a gift, not only for song writing, but also in her ability to connect with the reader almost immediately. She seems to have "eyes to see", and brings to reader right along with her. Authentic and vulnerable are words that come to mind.

The stories are super short, great for those of us who have little pockets of reading time here and there throughout the day.

In one of the first stories she describes the experience of bringing her 3 teenage nieces to see the ocean for the first time in their lives. The story was sweet in itself, but then she ends it, as she does all of the other stories, with a memorable truth:
"Salt water is the greatest component of our world, yet some people have never seen an ocean. That doesn't change the ocean. It is constant and powerful, and like the love of God, whether we're immersed in it, standing on the shore, or a thousand miles away, it remains."

She ends a story about her daughter and horse named Jack with a reflection on the ways we brand ourselves and others. She says:
"I've decided it's time to start reminding myself of some other words that are true. Today as I was brushing my teeth, I saw my reflection in the mirror...no contacts yet, so I looked softer around the edges. Before my mind started assessing the toll of time, I spoke in an early morning whisper to my forty-six-year-old reflection: "You are made in the image of God. You are the salt of the earth. You are like the starlight shining our in the darkness. You're the light of the world." What is it about these words that is so mysterious and powerful? I am just repeating what has already been said. What is already true."

Thanks Amy (see, we're friends now), I needed that.

I really expected the book to be a collection of sweet, interesting stories, but it is much more.

Piper is still sleeping, so I'm going to settle in and read another chapter!

Good Friday

It's been a great day around here. Nothing too out of the ordinary. I just love days like this where everyone in the family seems to have had a great day, getting their cups filled in just the way they needed it.

I needed to get a lot done today - 4 loads of laundry, bathrooms cleaned, floors mopped, grocery list made....and on it goes. We are having our family over here on Easter so there will be 15 of us here for lunch on Sunday. I am so glad to have my family close by, what a blessing!

One of Ella's sweet friends came over and they played and played and played some more while Piper and I cleaned together. It was so cute listening to Ella and her friend play "orphanage nannies". They were so busy lovin on their babies as they chatted in "Chinese", and took pictures of the babies with their Barbie cell phones!

All the while I got to listen to some great teaching by Chip Ingram. Oh, I got me a word, yes I did!!! Go here, and listen to a great, great message (titled "What difference does it really make?") on how to break through the familiar of Easter(church, family, etc.) and experience the supernatural - awesome!

Meanwhile, Scott took Hunter to one of his favorite places on earth, a local nature/wildlife preserve. They had lunch together on a hill top, counting 64 turtles and enjoying the gorgeous creation before them, just about to burst with spring. This fills Hunter's cup like nothing else, and I am so glad they got spend Good Friday together out in beautiful weather, enjoying the Creator's handiwork.

I'm going to go listen to that Chip Ingram message again...

Have a great weekend!
Dena

Ok, my heart is complete mush, it's official.

A couple of nights ago we were sitting around the table eating dinner when Piper(22 months old) started naming everyone at the table:
"Hun - ter, El-la, Momeee, Dadeeee, Je - sus!"
We had never heard her say His name before, and we all just stopped and looked at her. Does she see something we don't?!!! Most likely yes. It brought to mind these words from Jesus:

" At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

And then this morning, out of the blue, Piper came to me and said, "Thank you, Momeeee." I stopped, got on her level and said "You are welcome, Piper!". She smiled and then said, "Thank you...God!".

It reminded me of my conversation yesterday with Hunter. He'd learned about God's omnipresence at church. We talked about how God is everywhere, in our house, in our hearts, outside, at school, etc..., and then it hit me in a new way...in the orphanage in China. If I really believe as I say I do, I must believe that Jesus was there with Piper, those first 10 months of her life. Hearing her say His name in her sweet little voice was such a blessing to me.

So, yes, my heart is complete mush these days, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

When did God think of adoption?

Xiushan Orphanage, China

Oh, I love me some John Piper. Listen to him explain adoption. Love his passion. Love his little encouragement at the end. I really needed this today, as it reminded me to keep praying and stay open to how I can encourage others in adoption. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the number of orphans, by all of the injustices and red tape that stand in the way of children having parents. I also need the reminder about my own adoption - and what a huge thing that is.

A couple of weeks ago I read along as several bloggers I read went to Africa with Compassion International. As they prepared to come home they were brought together to discuss what it was going to be like when they returned home to their comfortable suburban lives. They called it "re-entry" and said it could be a difficult time. One blogger mentioned having survivor's guilt at the stark contrast b/t her life and the lives she encountered in Uganda.

Something happened as I read their accounts. I realized that for the past year, since we came home from adopting Piper, I have been struggling through some sort of "survivor's guilt", for lack of a better word. I just have had such a difficult time thinking about the difference b/t Piper's life and the lives of the children that still reside at Xiushan Orphanage. Just writing that, the tears are rolling. I can't put into words how much I love Piper Grace. Just like any proud mama, I think she is one of God's most beautiful creations. But then I think about those other children, they are God's creations as well, and now that I can really see them, and feel a kinship with them...it's just hard to accept. They deserve to have a family that celebrates with them as they take their first step, or learn to say their own name. They deserve a mommy who will comfort them when they are sick and tell them they are the most wonderful baby in the world. Don't they?

Anyway, these thoughts feel very incomplete still. I don't really know what to do with these feelings, besides offer them up, and remember that God is in control, in the good and in the bad, that I know. My job is to pray, and stay close to Him and listen when He speaks.

"Be open to the possibilities - of God's promises to grow good things in hard places. Be open to the possiblilites that these circumstances hold more than what I see right now. Be open to the possiblilites of discovering new hope. Be open to the posiblilities...one day at a time." Carol Kuykendall (thank you to my mother in law for that quote, I love it...)

Letting Go

I loved this post, over at Big Mama's. If you're in need of a faith lift (who isn't?), go over and check it out. Love the verses she ended with:

Psalm 103: 2-5 “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

Hopeful Post Christmas Melancholy

We had a fairly simple, good Christmas this year. Even though I know it was not physically easy for my dad, he made the trip out to our house with my mom early Christmas morning to be with us as we opened our gifts. Piper was excited to see him and said, "Papa, Papa!".
It was Piper's first Christmas home, and the significance of that was not lost on me as I watched her celebrate with her family. I still cannot fully wrap my mind and heart around the fact that she spent last Christmas in an orphanage in Xiushan, China. I know God was there with her, keeping her safe, and preparing her for what was to come. Next Thursday is the 1 year anniversary of the day we first saw her sweet face. Though that day was just like every other for her, on the other side of the world, a family of four became five, as we stared at her picture, and thanked God for His wonderful gift.

The kids love their super duper jumper thingy, although it made marks on our wood floor (ugh) and had to be moved upstairs. Nothing like the sound of jumping elephants above your kitchen!

Hunter thinks he's just too cool now that he has a real live shark, that he named Zambi. Hunter and Ella now include Zambi in their mealtime prayers, that he'll "have a good, long life". Ella has spent many hours playing with her new Twin Doll House and Diego vehicles. She and Hunter have many scenarios worked out that involve the twins and Hunter's plastic dragons and Siberian tigers. It doesn't quite look like the picture of the kids playing on the outside of Twin Doll House box, but hey, it keeps them occupied.

Christmas night, my parents had our family, my brother's family and my sister in law's parents over to open our stockings and celebrate my brother's birthday, which he happens to share with Jesus! Ella was amazed when she realized (after 5 years of celebrations), that my mom actually gave birth to my brother on Christmas day.
(In complete astonishment) "So your birthday is the real day you were born, and it stays on that day for the REST of YOUR LIFE???"
It was as if the world stopped for a moment as she took in this newfound bit of information. Why hadn't anyone told her this before?

It always takes me a couple of days to "recover" from Christmas. It strikes me as odd, how much I need some quiet time alone with God to reconnect after being so very busy celebrating His arrival on earth. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this little gem by Jon Bloom, that finally put words to what I have experienced for so long.

Scott took Hunter and Ella to the movies and I have a completely quiet house while Piper naps. I'm off to take advantage of this rarity, and do something crazy, like maybe sit in a comfy chair and do absolutely nothing for a few minutes!

A Soul Awakened

God has been dropping little unexpected shots of encouragement for the last very stressful, scary 24 hours. A week ago I went to the Ob/Gyn. She ordered a mammogram and sonogram b/c of my new found "strong family history" of breast cancer, which is also related to ovarian cancer. Yesterday morning I went in for the sonogram to check my ovaries. I left with the sonogram technician telling me that my ovaries looked normal, but that I would need an MRI b/c there was a "spot near my bladder". That's all she could tell me and I would have to wait for my doctor to call.

What?

My mom had taken Ella and Piper for the morning and was meeting me back at the hospital where I stood, looking out the window for them, fighting back tears. All I could think of was how desperately I wanted to be alive for my family. My kids need a mommy, each one of them. I wondered how I would get through this day, going through the motions, waiting for the phone to ring. Abdominal symptoms I've had for several years flooded my mind.
About 4 hours later, my doctor called and explained that they couldn't tell if the marble sized spot they saw is on my uterus or bladder. The most probable explanation is that it's on my uterus and is just a fibroid tumor (not cancerous). So tomorrow I'll have an MRI, not quite how I pictured spending the week before Christmas. But what about this year has been how I pictured it?

Today, this landed in my inbox, and the message couldn't have been clearer to me. The words of this post are true and real. I am living them right now. The unseen realities of this world seem so much more real to me than ever before. God is up to something. My hunger for Him is strong. My need for Him is huge.

I am praying for spot to be nothing. I am also praying this experience of waiting would be used by the Lord to help me to see, with new eyes. To see Him more clearly, to love what He loves, and live for the things of this world that are lasting and true.
Never in a million years did I anticipate that I'd someday write a post about my uterus and my bladder! I hope to be back tomorrow with a very boring post about uterine fibroids...

John Piper: "I am not coming to you with a health, wealth, and prosperity gospel or a health, wealth and prosperity mission. I am not bringing a message that Christ will make you healthy, Christ will make you wealthy, Christ will make you prosperous in this life so that you can have joy. That's not my message. I am bringing you the message that Christ will give you HIMSELF, so that you don't need health, wealth, and prosperity in order to be happy, but can have so much invincible joy in Christ that you can give up health, wealth, and prosperity in the sacrifice of love if God so calls."

Paul: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that might not rely on ourselves but on God."

One of the reasons I am so grateful to God for John Piper is that he, unlike anyone else, has helped me to see how joy and suffering and pain can possibly coexist. It is a concept that I struggled with for a long time as I would read the bible. When I would hear someone say how "blessed" they were with their big house, nice car, and healthy family, something inside of me cringed. Is that what it means to be "blessed" by God? If so, what about the babies laying in their cribs, some in deplorable conditions, in the orphanage? What about Paul, what about Jesus? No, Jesus came, and turned the world's idea of "blessed" upside down. In Matthew 5 He says:

3"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

How are those who mourn blessed? Because they will be comforted- by God Himself. In my own experience I can say that it is better to mourn and be comforted by God, than to not mourn at all. As J. Piper says, " The Lord is the Reward". It's His presence in the most difficult of places that brings joy, and develops perseverance and hope.

So this Christmas, I am more thankful than ever that God broke through time, and gave us Himself... His very presence...God With Us, Immanuel - now that is a blessing!

Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing...

We met with my mom's doctor yesterday who was very thorough and spent a long time explaining everything to us with diagrams and charts. Lots and lots of details and explanations. She will have an MRI tomorrow after my dad's chemo, which will help make some decisions about her treatment. She will for sure have surgery, and the rest will be determined by the MRI and a genetic test. Her sister died of breast cancer, and several other markers point to a possible genetic link. Of course this would affect my brother and I, as well as our children. Those results will take about 2 weeks to come in.
This is so unreal in a way, and it is becoming a normal part of life in a way. People want to know how we are coping. I wish I could answer that, but it changes daily. This very moment I'm ok. I just talked to my mom and she said she was taking a break from all of it today since tomorrow would be full of cancer related activities. Normal life does march on, Christmas gifts to be bought (or grown- a post coming about that), trees to be decorated, and a family that still require 3 meals a day, I still can't get over how regular they are.
Having small children during a time like this is both challenging and healing. They force me to be in the moment with them and take mental breaks from it all. At the same time, there are times I just need some quiet, alone time to process my thoughts and get it all in perspective. Thankfully I have a husband who understands that and works very hard to give me some time. God's ways are higher than ours, and I believe that with all my heart. He has allowed this season for a purpose, and I must surrender my wish for it to be different, knowing He can be trusted.
Hunter and Ella are at school, Piper is asleep and I am going to go lay on the couch, soak in the quiet and talk it all over with God...

The Great Adventure

If you only read one thing today, make it this, by my friend Beth.

Here's a little taste:


"But isn’t He brilliant? Would we really have wanted a God we could figure out? Or wouldn’t that have made us His God instead? Isn’t the unknown the very thing that keeps this life an adventure? Some of our destructive lusts for the strange and new in human relationships (inability to commit; addiction to romance novels or steamy TV series; continual fantasies about someone different; or maybe more than fantasies) erupt from unknowingly trading in a holy adventure with God for a feel-better-few-minutes with man (real or imagined) that only ends up feeding our dissatisfaction. The result is even deeper despair that pounds with every beat of our injured heart, “Is this all there is?” The answer is a resounding, “NO!” The innate human desire for something new isn’t what’s unhealthy. The need for adventure was sewn within our souls by divine hands so that deep would call out to deep and we’d drive our insatiable selves straight to the One and Only God who can sustain it. His mercies are new every morning and treasures are inexhaustible every day."

Today, I am thankful for Jenny Bowen and Half the Sky

I think a lot about not wasting my life.

This morning I had an email from Jenny Bowen of Half the Sky, saying that she has been selected as one of eight foreigners to carry the Olympic torch in the Beijing Olympics next summer.

Go here, and see Jenny Bowen and her girls. She is 62 years old, has 2 Chinese daughters that she and her husband adopted in their fifties. Not long after they adopted their 1st daughter they started an amazing organization that is now making a real difference in the lives of China's orphans. Watch the short video to see some of the children her organization is showing love to. When I watch, I can't help but see Piper's face in the faces of those children.

I thought this page was interesting, showing all who applied and the 8 winners.

Jenny Bowen inspires me that a mom with a heart for these little ones can make a difference.

"If anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward."
-Jesus (Matthew 10:42)

A great read...

God's Mission: Adoption

by Max Lucado

When we come to Christ, God not only forgives us, he also adopts us. Through a dramatic series of events, we go from condemned orphans with no hope to adopted children with no fear. Here is how it happens. You come before the judgment seat of God full of rebellion and mistakes. Because of his justice he cannot dismiss your sin, but because of his love he cannot dismiss you. So, in an act which stunned the heavens, he punished himself on the cross for your sins. God’s justice and love are equally honored. And you, God’s creation, are forgiven. But the story doesn’t end with God’s forgiveness.

For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our Spirit that we are children of God (Rom. 8:15–16 NASB).

But when the fullness of time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, in order that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons (Gal. 4:4–5 NASB).

It would be enough if God just cleansed your name, but he does more. He gives you his name. It would be enough if God just set you free, but he does more. He takes you home. He takes you home to the Great House of God.

Adoptive parents understand this more than anyone. I certainly don’t mean to offend any biological parents—I’m one myself. We biological parents know well the earnest longing to have a child. But in many cases our cribs were filled easily. We decided to have a child and a child came. In fact, sometimes the child came with no decision. I’ve heard of unplanned pregnancies, but I’ve never heard of an unplanned adoption.

That’s why adoptive parents understand God’s passion to adopt us. They know what it means to feel an empty space inside. They know what it means to hunt, to set out on a mission, and take responsibility for a child with a spotted past and a dubious future. If anybody understands God’s ardor for his children, it’s someone who has rescued an orphan from despair, for that is what God has done for us.
God has adopted you. God sought you, found you, signed the papers and took you home.

From The Great House of GodCopyright (W Publishing Group, 1997) Max Lucado

Today I am grateful

Beautiful day -
joy in my heart, kids at school, Piper taking a long nap, 2 loads of laundry going, floors swept, bathroom cleaned, Monk and Neagle on the CD player...
I needed this time today, time for quiet thoughts and time to pray, time to reflect and time plan, time to take a breath, and remember why I do all that I do, and time to ask God if I'm on the right track.

Lord, I needed this time so very much, only you know how much. Thank you for these few hours, I accept them as a sweet gift straight from your hands.

I think it may be impossible to listen to this song and not feel happy.

My New Favorite Thing

Did you know that you can watch Beth Moore online through the Life Today website? I just discovered this, and am just tickled to death that I can listen to her where ever my laptop will take me.
She's on every Wednesday, but it comes on at 8:00 am here, and well, that's just not going to work for me, probably ever, because I am doing about 500 other things at that time of day. And...I know this is shocking, but we don't have TiVo. I am shocked about this myself.

So, go here, and enjoy! I especially enjoyed the "Times of Intensive Care" series.

I love October!

I love mid October, for all of the reasons most people do - the cooler temperatures, the vibrant colors, the whispers of holidays that are just around the corner. But on the top of my list is the end of ragweed season!
It's so liberating for me! I am going to do something I don't do very often, if ever...share an excerpt from my beloved journal.

Here goes:
Sunday 9-23-07 (In the thick of ragweed season)
"...still recovering from severe allergy attack yesterday after being at an unbelievably warm soccer game. I am spent, completely and totally spent. Ragweed allergy should have been one of the plagues in the bible. My nose is a constant itchy, dripping, throbbing irritant. If I go outside at all, the irritation multiplies x10. Need new air filters after all of the dust from the wood floors (S is out of town at this point), but can't stand the thought of taking 3 kids outside to get them. A trip to Walmart right now might set me over the edge, but I'm sure we'll go today."

I then go on and on some more about how much I miss Scott, and need a break from being needed so much, and end with this prayer:

"I am asking you, by faith, Lord,
to come and be my rest.
Be my contentment.
Be my comfort.
Be my satisfaction."

The month of September was a really hard one this year for us. Scott, who used to never travel, was gone most of the month. He works for a defense contractor and they were on a huge proposal. The other night we were at the dinner table and Ella decided she would go around the table a give each person a compliment. When she got to Scott, she said "I love you daddy, because you go to work and bring the money home to us!" (love that girl)

It feels good to all be back under one roof. It feels great to know that Ragweed 2007 is just about over and I can breathe in fresh air again to my heart's content!