Attachment 101

A day of firsts - When Piper woke up from her 3 1/2 hour nap a thon, I fed her and then we had time to play before going to dinner. She was the happiest we've seen her, with all out giggles and smiles while she played with the baby wipe container. She continues to mimic little things we are doing and not even aware of. I was burping her and she put her tiny little hand on my shoulder and began burping me. Then she looks up at me with her eyes big and flashes her smile. We took her to the hotel restaurant with one of the other families for dinner. She soaked up all of the attention she gets with her babbles and squeals. The Chinese ladies are very open and always smile at her and talk to her when we are out. There was a Chinese couple eating next to us and the woman kept smiling at Piper and me. Eventually she came over and asked if she could hold Piper. I said yes, thinking to myself that she'd better stay within 3 feet of me! The woman was very good with her, but I was watching to see what Piper's reaction would be. The woman had Piper smiling but Piper kept her eye on Scott and me, which is a good sign she is starting to realize that she belongs with us. Towards the end of the meal Piper started to get a bit antsy so we went straight back to our room to get her a bottle and ready for bed. She seemed a bit agitated as we did that, but went to sleep after a few minutes of suckling on her hand as she does. I wondered if that interaction with the lady in restaurant had had an affect on her. About midnight she woke up crying - a first. We picked her up and did all the things parents do to try and solve the problem, but she continued to cry. I eventually took her and laid with her on the bed next to me, as nothing else seemed to help her. As I listened to her cry, it rang of sadness, not a regular baby cry of being uncomfortable or mad, just sadness. I was prepared for this and read about it, but quite honestly, nothing can really prepare you for how much you will love this baby and just how difficult it is to hear a baby you would lay your life down for grieve. In the attachment in adoption world, grieving is good. You want your baby to have feelings and grieve the losses she has been through and to feel free to let them out with you. It is heartbreaking to think about what our Piper has to process, but we know this is the only road that will bring her to a healthy attachment with us and good relationships in the future. Eventually her little cries got quieter and then they would well up again just like you do when you're really sad. She eventually fell asleep and has been asleep all night. I can't wait to hold her when she wakes up.
What a journey. I have to say I have rarely felt so alive and so sure I am right where I am supposed to be. It is not without sacrifice and at times pain as is the case whenever you choose to open up your heart. My heart is wide open to Piper and would walk with her down whatever road God places before her.
One of our favorite authors is John Piper (notice the last name). In his book, "Don't Waste Your Life", he talks about the finding the joy God promises us in the bible. He shows how this joy, as in the case of Jesus, does not come from the things we think it does, but from walking with God on the road love and suffering. It is the mere presence of God on this road where joy is found. Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the thrown of God". I can tell you that the joy we've experienced far outweighs the pain and somehow the pain is part of the joy.
John Piper says: "What a tragic waste when people turn away from the Calavary Road of love and suffering. All the riches of the glory of God in Christ a re on that road. All the sweetest fellowship with Jesus is there. All the treasures of assurance. All the ecstasies of joy. All the clearest sightings of eternity. All the noblest camaraderie. All the humblest affections. All the most tender acts of forgiving kindness. All the deepest discoveries of God's word. All the most earnest prayers. They are all on the calvary road where Jesus walks with his people. Take up your cross and follow Jesus. On this road, and this road alone, life is Christ and death is gain. Life on every other road is wasted."
I am convinced.
We also wanted to thank you from the bottom of our very full hearts for your emails, comments, and prayers. It is like water to a thirsty soul to read your words from home. We feel as though we are in another universe at times and feels so good to read your words and know you are with us in spirit. I don't think I mentioned this before, but according to the Chinese government Piper officially is ours and has been with us since we met her. She feels like she has been ours forever, but now we have a certificate to prove it!
Today we go to the zoo, where they have "10 famous pandas" as we've been told. Hunter and Ella, we'll take lots of pictures!
Piper's cold seems to be getting better, she only coughs occasionally and doesn't seem bothered by it.
I've got pictures to post, but for some reason blogger won't let me post them right now. I'll try again soon.
Love from China,
Dena